Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
