Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
