I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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