our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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