I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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