I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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