i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
