he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
