Sry I called you an 8
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
