i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize