i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
