1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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