So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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