"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
