my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
