she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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