Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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