Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
