JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize