Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize