I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
