I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
