I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
