that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
