He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
