I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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