Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
