Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
