theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize