Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
