Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we're making bets on your personal life
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
