I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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