i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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