Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
