You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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