It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
