College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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