My liver just broke up with me...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
