jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
