Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I would ride that face into the sunset
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
