we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
