Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
