he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
