Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
