You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
