You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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