I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
