Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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