i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
