So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
