There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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