I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
