i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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