While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
