This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
