I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Randomize
