just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
