Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
