i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
