How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
