The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
