I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
nutella sex= disaster
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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