I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
