So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
