I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
