My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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